i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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