On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
