saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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