mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
