Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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