i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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