textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
