i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
