so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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