She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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