I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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