How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize