My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
