we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
