I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
