Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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