So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
