Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
