Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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