Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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