I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
are you so shy because you have an std?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
