What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
