well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
this is an emotional support booty call
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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