I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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