i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
