every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pants are for mortals
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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