U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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