She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
