I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
