beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We smell like vodka and hangover
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