Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
