i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
