the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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