so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
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