i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
