yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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