do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize