My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
