so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
