Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
