She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
