You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
