To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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