How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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