She said her name was "party"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
