so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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