idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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