I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
