Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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