he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
