I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
