I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
