dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
