hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
