if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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